Why Are Good Byes This Hard?

He flew away.!! Like a charmer that he always is, he came, conquered me, and then moved on.  As much as I want to believe that the distance wouldn't matter, I know deep inside that I am stranded all alone here. The man whom I thought was mine, is probably still mine (at least as of now), but is now far away from me - much more further ahead than I would want. I don't even know what is it that I am feeling now - is it sad, helpless, gutted, hopeless, lonely, or may be some of those emotions that I cant express in words. For sure I feel the most defeated and deflated in a long time. I just don't know I need to do to myself to get out of this rut.

One thing I always wanted was for him to be happy in life - be it with me or without me. I am no benevolent saint willing to sacrifice; but he is one person for whom I could sacrifice. He is such a real gem, so good that I probably don't deserve him. I was proud and over the moon that a hopeless man like me would have him in my life. But now the honeymoon is all over, and I have crashed back on to earth. Today I am broken; in every way possible. I can see the writing on the wall that my dream is over; the dark days are back.

The prince that he is, he tried his level best to keep my spirits up. The long layover that he had in Dubai enroute his final destination in the UK ensured that we had sufficient time to talk and chat. I woke up in the morning seeing the final message that he had started. And by the time I was done with the Sunday chores, he had landed up in Dubai. There was a good six hours of layover time for us. I couldn't stay at home and talk; so I took my car out and went outside so that I can talk to him or chat with him. I opened up about my worries like a child - many a times tears rolling down my cheeks while chatting. Thank God I was outside in my car all alone - at least the indignation of an elderly man in tears being witnessed by others was avoided. We did video calls where I tried to be in my smarty best avatar - the cool dude. I was always good in pasted smiles; though by the end of that call, I was almost about burst in front of him. It was becoming just too much for me to handle.

He had a valid argument - how does it matter if the distances increase by a few thousand kilometers? We were anyway just a call away. And I am no one to refute that argument. But really, is that the case? I am sure the warmth would be there in the initial few days - but then? Non overlapping time zones, and busy schedules for both of us are bound to take its toll on us. How many long distance relationships have survived? As much as he is optimistic, I am an eternal pessimist. Probably the extremes in our thought process is what made us come this close. I am worried that the odds are stacked against us; though I am not going to give up that quickly on him - he is just too valuable to give up without a real fight.

And then he said something that literally sank me. His assignment in the UK could well be a permanent one. He always wanted to settle down outside of India. That's his dream, his aspiration in life. And now he is this close to fulfilling that long cherished dream. Now if that is going to be the case, and honestly should be the case as that's the best thing that can happen to him, I have to admit that its all but over for us. Why did I fall so hopelessly in love with him? Why? Why? Why? Life is like a coin - you have good days today; the bad ones are not that far away... 

All said and done, I just cant shrug this rut that I find myself in. Why should good byes be this hard? Why should you feel that a part of your heart is plucked off from you? Maybe I loved him a bit too much. Maybe I lifted my hopes to unsustainable levels. Or may be that he is the best; and parting with the best is never easy... Good Bye my love. Live the new life to its fullest!!!

When The Scene Goes Dark

Different people have different ways to react when things go bad. Some people drink, some people get into uncontrolled eating, while some find themselves slip into a depressive state of mind. For me its slightly different - I get into this never ending urge towards writing down my state of mind. It can go really bad for me; where I just keep on writing all day - most of it being unusable blabber. I think I am into that state of mind now. That fear of losing out on one of the most cherished things in my life is driving me crazy. And here I am again at my safe abode - scribbling things that make no sense at all.

He is going to fly out tomorrow early morning; and it is driving me nuts that I can't catch one final glimpse of him before he moves away. I feel as if there is a huge load on my heart; as if I am struggling to breathe. These are times when I desperately hope that we were in the same city. The hundreds of kilometers that keep us apart is a distance too long. Or maybe its symptomatic of the way its been for us - close in our minds, yet too far away. Its always been a relationship that could have been a lot more; yet it remained like a bud that failed to bloom.

The thought of him moving away is unbearable. And no matter how many times he tries to reassure that things would be fine, I am worried. Am I insecure about this relationship - probably yes. But there is only so much that long distance relationships can run. At some point in time, you need that presence, that reassuring touch which tells you that no matter what happens, we will make it happen. No amount of messages or calls would be able to compensate for that. Afterall as they say - out of sight, out of mind!!!

The worst part of it all is that I need to act as if everything is cool with me in from of him. In the messages that I send, I need to be this cool dude - well on top of my emotions; super cool with what is happening in my life. The last thing I want to do now is to make him feel hurt - to make him realize that I am hurting because of him moving away. That would make it even worse for him. I would like to believe that he is also partially missing me - though you never know what the reality is. It could very well be that I am thinking all these; and he feels none. That's how all these types of relationships are - right?

But one thing I know for sure - I find myself in this very dark space where I am lonely. The one thing that I wanted for so long in my life, the love I thought I had, the happiness I believed that would never desert me - at least is moving away from me in space. Whether we are still together in minds - I don't know; only time would tell.

The Good Bye

The day which I was dreading all along has finally come. The day when you would say good bye to me. Destiny does love being cruel to me. It just takes me to the dizzy heights of bliss; only to let me fall into the deepest gorges one can think of. I thought I had found love - the elusive love that I always wanted to have. Despite being apprehensive all along on whether I would be able to walk through that path, I was forced to believe that its possible. I walked along that beautiful route which were laid with stunning views and flowers, and I started thinking to myself if indeed there can be some happiness that I seek in my life.

All along there was this fear that lingered deep inside me - am I being too happy? As they say, the higher you go, the deeper the fall. Apprehensions were stepped aside as I started believing in the myth around me. I thought there was a future - a future where I could find that little bit of love; that little bit of happiness. But nay... good things don't last for ever in my life. Its a pattern; and it has become such a predictable pattern in my life. And it just had to happen.

We were in two different cities separated by hundreds of kilometers. But I never felt that you were away from me. I felt we were together all along even while separated by this distance. But now, you are moving on. To a different country - too far away where our times don't align at all. You keep trying to convince me that things would still work out - anyway we were not in the same city earlier. But one difference now though - earlier I could hope that I can see you once in a while; touch you, feel you, if we we really wanted it. But now, that is not going to happen. You are just too far away from me.

I am a shattered man today - a man whose hopes are all but gone. Destiny has been so cruel that I cant even cry aloud at this point in time. The only place I can do that is while being under the shower - when the water from the shower would wash away my tears so that they are not to be found out. And I did just that tonight. I stood under the shower tonight for a long time so that my tears could flow down without having worry about being caught. I gagged myself with a towel so that my sound doesn't escape out. I feel lost; I feel defeated. Wonder why my eyes are blurry as I type these. Guess there are far more rivers of tears to flow down before I can get hold of myself..

But good bye my love as you move on to greener pastures. And Thank You. Thank you for all those wonderful moments you gave me. It was like the best dream ever as long as it lasted. But then with dreams there is this problem - it comes to an end when you want it to continue on more than ever before...

The Pain Within

Exactly after an year I am back here again. This seems to be the place where I get back to when I feel lonely, left out, and in desperate need for some solitude. Guess this is my space!!

A lot has changed from the last time I was here. In fact the year or so - I would say the past fourteen months have been eventful to say the least. Its been a full cycle of sorts. From the hopeless loner who had given up on being the real self even if for a limited time and space, to a middle aged man aspiring for love, to a hopeless man in glee who got the thing he was waiting for, to becoming the firefly that would fly around in the night sky with absolute elan, to being the stock market man who invested everything he had waiting for a crash to happen but cant get out, to the man who knows that he is in the process of losing everything he cherished in the past few months - this has been a round trip in every sense of the word. And at the end of it all, as an irony of all ironies, I find myself in almost the same place I was at the beginning.

Is it that happiness has decided to wage a war with me? Or is it that happiness has decided never to stay in me? I really don't know. Every time I think I have found some, like the desert sand it just finds a way to drift through my fingers. Sometimes it feels as if happiness in its fullest sense has an aversion towards me. Or is it a fallacy that I am trying to achieve? Am I thinking and hoping beyond my means? To have a man whom I love in my life - is that too much to ask for? Especially when you are entering a phase in life when the so called glamourous part of you is vanishing, giving way to a hairline that is increasingly salt rather than pepper. When time is not on your side, you feel everything is going away from your grip - everything.

I sometimes ask myself - how a hypocrite like me can expect that happiness? Isn't my happiness going to create lots of hurt for a bunch whom I call my family - who are no way responsible for the struggles that I am going through. My timidity at an age when I should have been courageous in my life is causing me to live a significant part of my life as a hidden one. I smile, the world feels that I am happy. But many a times, those smiles are just pasted ones. Its for the world to see that I smile; even if a volcano of pain is simmering inside me waiting to explode. A hidden life is painful. It can have spurts of happiness in between; but at the end of the day its just a life with a lot of pain - no matter how much you try to hide it...