The Pain Within

Exactly after an year I am back here again. This seems to be the place where I get back to when I feel lonely, left out, and in desperate need for some solitude. Guess this is my space!!

A lot has changed from the last time I was here. In fact the year or so - I would say the past fourteen months have been eventful to say the least. Its been a full cycle of sorts. From the hopeless loner who had given up on being the real self even if for a limited time and space, to a middle aged man aspiring for love, to a hopeless man in glee who got the thing he was waiting for, to becoming the firefly that would fly around in the night sky with absolute elan, to being the stock market man who invested everything he had waiting for a crash to happen but cant get out, to the man who knows that he is in the process of losing everything he cherished in the past few months - this has been a round trip in every sense of the word. And at the end of it all, as an irony of all ironies, I find myself in almost the same place I was at the beginning.

Is it that happiness has decided to wage a war with me? Or is it that happiness has decided never to stay in me? I really don't know. Every time I think I have found some, like the desert sand it just finds a way to drift through my fingers. Sometimes it feels as if happiness in its fullest sense has an aversion towards me. Or is it a fallacy that I am trying to achieve? Am I thinking and hoping beyond my means? To have a man whom I love in my life - is that too much to ask for? Especially when you are entering a phase in life when the so called glamourous part of you is vanishing, giving way to a hairline that is increasingly salt rather than pepper. When time is not on your side, you feel everything is going away from your grip - everything.

I sometimes ask myself - how a hypocrite like me can expect that happiness? Isn't my happiness going to create lots of hurt for a bunch whom I call my family - who are no way responsible for the struggles that I am going through. My timidity at an age when I should have been courageous in my life is causing me to live a significant part of my life as a hidden one. I smile, the world feels that I am happy. But many a times, those smiles are just pasted ones. Its for the world to see that I smile; even if a volcano of pain is simmering inside me waiting to explode. A hidden life is painful. It can have spurts of happiness in between; but at the end of the day its just a life with a lot of pain - no matter how much you try to hide it...