Different people have different ways to react when things go bad. Some people drink, some people get into uncontrolled eating, while some find themselves slip into a depressive state of mind. For me its slightly different - I get into this never ending urge towards writing down my state of mind. It can go really bad for me; where I just keep on writing all day - most of it being unusable blabber. I think I am into that state of mind now. That fear of losing out on one of the most cherished things in my life is driving me crazy. And here I am again at my safe abode - scribbling things that make no sense at all.
He is going to fly out tomorrow early morning; and it is driving me nuts that I can't catch one final glimpse of him before he moves away. I feel as if there is a huge load on my heart; as if I am struggling to breathe. These are times when I desperately hope that we were in the same city. The hundreds of kilometers that keep us apart is a distance too long. Or maybe its symptomatic of the way its been for us - close in our minds, yet too far away. Its always been a relationship that could have been a lot more; yet it remained like a bud that failed to bloom.
The thought of him moving away is unbearable. And no matter how many times he tries to reassure that things would be fine, I am worried. Am I insecure about this relationship - probably yes. But there is only so much that long distance relationships can run. At some point in time, you need that presence, that reassuring touch which tells you that no matter what happens, we will make it happen. No amount of messages or calls would be able to compensate for that. Afterall as they say - out of sight, out of mind!!!
The worst part of it all is that I need to act as if everything is cool with me in from of him. In the messages that I send, I need to be this cool dude - well on top of my emotions; super cool with what is happening in my life. The last thing I want to do now is to make him feel hurt - to make him realize that I am hurting because of him moving away. That would make it even worse for him. I would like to believe that he is also partially missing me - though you never know what the reality is. It could very well be that I am thinking all these; and he feels none. That's how all these types of relationships are - right?
But one thing I know for sure - I find myself in this very dark space where I am lonely. The one thing that I wanted for so long in my life, the love I thought I had, the happiness I believed that would never desert me - at least is moving away from me in space. Whether we are still together in minds - I don't know; only time would tell.
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