He flew away.!! Like a charmer that he always is, he came, conquered me, and then moved on. As much as I want to believe that the distance wouldn't matter, I know deep inside that I am stranded all alone here. The man whom I thought was mine, is probably still mine (at least as of now), but is now far away from me - much more further ahead than I would want. I don't even know what is it that I am feeling now - is it sad, helpless, gutted, hopeless, lonely, or may be some of those emotions that I cant express in words. For sure I feel the most defeated and deflated in a long time. I just don't know I need to do to myself to get out of this rut.
One thing I always wanted was for him to be happy in life - be it with me or without me. I am no benevolent saint willing to sacrifice; but he is one person for whom I could sacrifice. He is such a real gem, so good that I probably don't deserve him. I was proud and over the moon that a hopeless man like me would have him in my life. But now the honeymoon is all over, and I have crashed back on to earth. Today I am broken; in every way possible. I can see the writing on the wall that my dream is over; the dark days are back.
The prince that he is, he tried his level best to keep my spirits up. The long layover that he had in Dubai enroute his final destination in the UK ensured that we had sufficient time to talk and chat. I woke up in the morning seeing the final message that he had started. And by the time I was done with the Sunday chores, he had landed up in Dubai. There was a good six hours of layover time for us. I couldn't stay at home and talk; so I took my car out and went outside so that I can talk to him or chat with him. I opened up about my worries like a child - many a times tears rolling down my cheeks while chatting. Thank God I was outside in my car all alone - at least the indignation of an elderly man in tears being witnessed by others was avoided. We did video calls where I tried to be in my smarty best avatar - the cool dude. I was always good in pasted smiles; though by the end of that call, I was almost about burst in front of him. It was becoming just too much for me to handle.
He had a valid argument - how does it matter if the distances increase by a few thousand kilometers? We were anyway just a call away. And I am no one to refute that argument. But really, is that the case? I am sure the warmth would be there in the initial few days - but then? Non overlapping time zones, and busy schedules for both of us are bound to take its toll on us. How many long distance relationships have survived? As much as he is optimistic, I am an eternal pessimist. Probably the extremes in our thought process is what made us come this close. I am worried that the odds are stacked against us; though I am not going to give up that quickly on him - he is just too valuable to give up without a real fight.
And then he said something that literally sank me. His assignment in the UK could well be a permanent one. He always wanted to settle down outside of India. That's his dream, his aspiration in life. And now he is this close to fulfilling that long cherished dream. Now if that is going to be the case, and honestly should be the case as that's the best thing that can happen to him, I have to admit that its all but over for us. Why did I fall so hopelessly in love with him? Why? Why? Why? Life is like a coin - you have good days today; the bad ones are not that far away...
All said and done, I just cant shrug this rut that I find myself in. Why should good byes be this hard? Why should you feel that a part of your heart is plucked off from you? Maybe I loved him a bit too much. Maybe I lifted my hopes to unsustainable levels. Or may be that he is the best; and parting with the best is never easy... Good Bye my love. Live the new life to its fullest!!!
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