The Transition Phase

I believe every sorry event in life happens across multiple stages. First is the state of absolute shock when you get to know that something bad is going to happen - the dreaded news phase. Then is the anticipation phase when you braise yourself for the impact - you try to teach yourself that you can get through this event. Then comes a phase - the happening phase; when the event eventually happens. That is probably the most torturous of them all, when you realize that no matter how much you tried to train yourself, it has all ended in vain. You are completely distraught at this point in time. Then is the transition phase where you start to accept the reality, and try to adjust yourself with the new norm. And final phase is which I call as the move-on phase,  is when you completely accept the new reality in your life; you count your losses and start to think of what is there in your life.

I guess I must be in the transition phase now. The happening phase had been really dreadful - much more than what I thought. All my confidence that I will ride through this nightmare just evaporated in no time. I realised that no matter how much I postured, I was just a mere mortal. All the false bravado was good for nothing, as I just realised how vulnerable I am. Such is the power of love. The fear of losing out love is much more than anything that you can imagine. I was in complete mess as I find myself hopeless and helpless like never before. If my pillows could speak, they would have told story of torrents of tears that flowed which made them soaked. But then life has to continue. So a couple of days back I told myself that its time to get into the next phase - the transition phase.

Somewhere I realised that he understood I was in a bad space. The nice guy decided to walk along with me in these; and not be left alone. And how thankful I am for that. Calls and chats from the UK was on full steam; and he was trying to convince me that irrespective of the distance, he was there for me. I would be untruthful if I said it had no impact. It cushioned things for me for sure. I opened up like anything yesterday when our chat went well beyond midnight. But deep inside I know - this is just a step up to the move on phase. All this comfort that he is providing me, is it just stretching the inevitable? However much I want to believe that we have a future, I for sure can read the writing on the wall - its a different thing that I am refusing to read it. Living in denial is not going to help me for sure. Its just pushing the inevitable. My only worry is that the amount of hurt that I would have to endure when it eventually happens - that might be too much for me.

There is something that made me worry a lot more. These days I came very close to figuring out what depression is. Though I was no where close to being in that state, whatever I was in - it was scary. When I was at the terrace a couple of days back - even if its for a fraction of a second a thought came into my mind - what if I fall down the twelve floors? Do I want to live with this pain? I had a dream of me deliberately driving into a bus coming in the opposite direction. Why did I even think like that? Why did I have dreams like that? This was probably the lowest point in my life. I never thought that I would be in this state of mind ever in my life. Then his face and faces of my family came in for me. What would they have to go through if I did anything stupid like what the scenes that were getting enacted in my brain? I guess that is what turned me back from the brink - one of the most important parts of the transition phase.

I am trying to tell myself - I have to start thinking of moving on. I want to accept the new reality in life; but can't. I seem to be stuck for ever in this transition phase. Every moment with him is coming back in my mind, and it tells me just one thing - how badly I love him, and how badly I need to have him in my life. Unfortunately I have no control on my want to have him in my life - there is a reason why long distance relationships don't work...