As I struggle through the upheaval in my life over the past few days, I realize how wonderful it has been with him over the past one year. I might sound like a broken record now; but the last one year with him has given me so much good times that were denied to me all these years. It took me all of 43 years to find the one thing I was searching for - to be in love with a man - be loved unconditionally; to be able to open up to someone without any apprehensions. All these years I have been living a dual life; and when he walked in to my life, I finally had someone to whom I could be myself. For a suffocated life, that was something. I guess I got lucky with him; else there was nothing that would have him in my life.
The journey that started with a simple "hi" on my fake Facebook account, went on to become the single most important thing in my life. The fact that he is married like me, and goes through similar questions in life did help. From being casual in conversations, over the past fourteen months or so, he became my go to man every time I found myself in distress. The anonymity gives you a confidence to open up. I spoke to him about things that I have never ever opened up. The secrets that were locked in the deep chambers inside me were unraveled with absolute confidence in front of him. I was no longer afraid of being exposed in front of some one. From being apprehensive, I wanted him to know everything about me. Opening up completely did help me significantly - it helped me to have my keeper of secrets. If there is anyone whom I can call as soulmate - it was him.
Being in the forties, I was apprehensive of everything. I was longing for person whom I could call mine. Every once in a while when I came across gay couples, I would go jealous of them. They are getting to live a life I always wanted; but never could. It was one of those bitter sweet moments - I was happy and jealous at the same time. I was getting desperate in life - given up hope that anything good can happen. I was telling myself that I would end up as someone who never felt the happiness in life its supposed to be. Dual life is never easy - especially if it involves suppressing your happiness.
That is when he walked in. He made every second feel worth it. With him, I was in heaven. Time always flew by. I could talk or chat with him for ever. Subjects were at plenty - the biggest irony of it all being that sex never came in as a subject. I guess sex would be the least spoken subject between us - it could have come up only a handful of times. From politics to life issues to issues with our wives and families - every thing came up. I could bluntly open myself up. He would criticize me; call me out when he felt so; and I did the same to him. But surprisingly we never fought. We always found a way to agree to disagree. He never forced me to change my opinions or ideas; neither did I. It was such a beautiful thing that existed between the two of us. It was the perfect match - I provided what he wanted; he was exactly what I wanted. Those were the happy days - indeed they were the happy days...
Somewhere I should chronicle down those happy days. I don't think I will ever get those days again. Life doesn't get you to be happy multiple times. Something tells me that my quota of happy times are done... And when I move myself back into the dark days when I am all alone, the only thing that would probably help me reminisce might be those chronicles!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment