The Elephant In The Room

Let me talk about the big elephant in the room that I have been avoiding all along – depression. I have heard people talk about the importance of not neglecting mental health. But you tend to ignore it always – right? As long as a problem actually hits you, that is not a problem. Naïve thought process like – it would happen to only the weak; I am strong enough to get over my problems if any; there is no way its going to happen to me – those were strongly imbibed in me. And I truly believed that I am immune to that; I felt strongly that even if bad things are to happen to me, I will get over them in no time. How wrong I was?

It was all fine till last ten days or so – till the day he was to travel away. All of a sudden I felt that the earth was crashing down on me. From being confident, I rapidly fell onto being listless and hopeless – all in a span of just a few hours. It was building up inside me into a crescendo, and to my complete alarm I could do nothing. All bravado and confidence had evaporated. I was feeling lonely and left out; fears started getting the better of me, and I was not sure what I am supposed to do. It felt as if a jolt of current has gone through you. I want to move; but cant. I want to think; but cant. I want to speak; but cant. The only thing that was happening was happening uncontrollably – eyes would well up and tears roll down my cheeks even when I try to control myself.

I thought this was the worst. But I was wrong there as well. This was just the beginning. By the time it was evening on the same day, my mind was completely out of control. I wanted to divert my mind; and so took my cycle and started riding. Went to the top of a hill that I generally go once in a while riding like a maniac. I thought that could calm my nerves – but no, it didn’t. I reached back home riding in the rain all drenched. I wanted to inflict pain on myself – all be it inadvertently. I am not thinking right. By that time I had completely lost the sense and purpose of living. He moving on was turning out to be too much to handle. Then came the lowest point of them all – I went to my terrace, and I wanted to fall down from there and possibly die. I wanted to run away from my pain and not face the life after. This entire experience was suffocating me.

In a flash the image of him and my family came up. My kids – what would they do with out me? Him – what a torture it would be for him if he is to know the state of my mind? My wife and parents – do they deserve the pain that I would be inflicting upon them with my actions? That was probably the turning point. I realized that I was going through a path of self destruction; and I needed to do something to get my mind over it. I had to find a way to divert my mind – and then I randomly booked some movie – at least those two or three hours I would have my mind diverted. It was not a movie to write anything about – but it brought me down from the erratic nature of my thoughts at least of the time being. Once I reached home back from the movie, it was back to the same – I was worried, anxious and helpless.

I couldn’t sleep. I rolled over the bed for hours trying to sleep. When that was becoming a pain, I went and sat in my balcony staring at the darkness around me; and somewhere in between close to the dawn I fell asleep on my chair in the balcony. As the morning sun was up, so was I. I would have slept for an hour or two; and my head was buzzing. It was clear to me that things are not right; but I found myself in a hopeless opposition where I could do nothing to fix it. But then, what was happening to me?

More than a week has passed by from that dreadful day. The hurt still lingers; the pain still sustains. I have tried to suppress it through these days. But I know I am just delaying the inevitable. Some day I will lose control of my mind – and that would be the day when I cease to be myself.. Its just a matter of time. I know I need to get some help; and I have started looking out for help.. Hopefully it comes in time for me..