The Fine Line

Life is all about the margins - the fine lines that differentiates what is right and wrong. Sometimes these lines are so blurred that its almost impossible to segregate. Most of the things you do in a confused state fall in that blurred path - where its almost impossible to be sure whether you are in the right side or wrong. What that results in is utter confusion - you do things assuming they are right, but they end up being the absolutely wrong thing to do.

Past few days have been anything but hard. But I have to admit that things are improving. He has helped me in a big way to get over this pain. That is giving me this space to think. The clouds are slowly drifting away, and there is some semblance of sunshine peeping in from somewhere in my head. As I move along, I am increasingly starting to ask one thing to myself - am I selfish to expect someone else to give up on his happiness for me. Doesn't love in its purest form mean sacrificing oneself and his dreams for the sake of others? If that is indeed the case, even the thought of him having to give up on his happiness for me would amount to selfishness, right? Or is it OK to hope and aspire while in love? I guess the lines are really blurred here.

That thought is what troubles me more these days. Can I call my feelings for him as love, if I am selfish about it? I am in this eternally confused state now - where I am not able to figure out what is it that I want; what is it that I have in my head? I want to believe that I am in love with him; and that love is what is making me selfish - wanting more of that from him. But then selfishness wont go hand in hand with love - in my eyes, love in its purest form has to be selfless. You should be able to overcome your angst and emotions for the sake of the other person - and that too without any regrets.

I opened up in front of him yesterday; and I cried in front of someone else after many many years. Actually I cant remember when was the last time I cried in front of someone. I am very good at holding back my tears; but yesterday the dam was breached. I choked and the tears rolled as I opened up in front of him. I told him how miserable I have been in the past week or so. Needless to say, that made him disturbed even further. And all day today I was asking myself one question - was that my worst selfish moment in the recent times? I want him for myself; but at what cost? Is my want for him depriving of his happiness. Am I snatching the smiles from his face.

These are supposed to be the happy days for him. But what am I doing with all these whines that I do to him? I dont know if I breached the fine line yesterday. Does he love me or hate me for inflicting this much pain? Some lines are not to be crossed - especially to the ones you love. Unfortunately for me, those boundaries are so blurred that I still dont know if I breached them..